Water your side of the grass

Water your side of the grass

We’ve all heard the phrase, ‘”the grass is greener on the other side’”, but what does this exactly mean? How do change the way others influence the way we feel about our own lives?

At one point in my life I was very much guilty of believing that the grass was greener on the other side. Having been overseas for my entire high school career I was constantly worried about missing out on football games and the ‘All-American high school experience’. Seeing my friends post on social media about their experiences seemed to devalue my own making me feel as though I could not achieve the same fun they did. Now I think to myself, couldn’t I see that although I wasn’t at the football games I was attending international day where I could enjoy the showcase of the 100+ countries represented at my school? And although I wasn’t riding in my new car I was riding elephants and camels? In the end I realized that I was afforded many opportunities that my friends did not experience. I came to this conclusion by realizing that you cannot make the most of your unique experience if you become consumed in someone else’s lifestyle.

Mind Games

Becomingminimalist sums up a perfect response to comparing our lives to others. “We always compare our worst with their best” (Becomingminimalist). People tend to project their best to the world creating a façade to which we compare ourselves to. Using social media platforms or our surface analyzation of someone’s life reveals that we compare ourselves to only one layer of a person’s life. Do not let what others hand pick and craft to present you allow you to become disillusioned. Always remember that behind every instagramed picture there could be a stark reality.

Contentment vs. Settling

Living your own individual life can often make you feel as though you are ‘missing out’. We as a society have even coined a term for the fear of missing out as, ‘FoMo’. We live in a culture that perpetuates certain images that appear to be better than they seem causing us to feel un-content in our own lives.

Becoming content with your own life regardless of what others are doing around you is a major step in reclaiming your happiness. Yet it is important to note that contentment is different from settling. The fine distinction between the two is that contentment is finding comfort in your present potential while settling is accepting less than your best.

Settling is not the objective when learning to water your own grass because by settling you become compliant with a life that does not reach your potential. Re-direct all the time spent having ‘FoMo’ on working to become the best you can be instead.  Once you realize the potential of your own life, there’s no need to concern yourself with how others are living theirs.


- It doesn't matter what others are




Being present is another important component in learning to love your own life. We easily miss the value in our life because we focus our attention on others.  PyschologyToday makes a valid point when it comes to being present. An article on the site utilizes the term ‘mindfulness’ to capture the essence of being aware of your present and living in the moment. The article goes on to say that the definition of being ‘mindful’ is disregarding any outlying thoughts that don’t pertain to the thoughts you have in that certain moment. The key to mastering mindfulness is: “you [becoming] an observer of your thoughts from moment to moment without judging them” (PyschologyToday). Being mindful means to stay focused on what you were originally thinking by blocking out negative thoughts from the influence of others.



Maintain Your Grass

The next time you begin to compare your life to another, remember that deception is rife, you are better off focusing your energy on improving your unhappiness and lastly, by being present in YOUR life you are in full control.

When we stop comparing ourselves to others we become comfortable in our own truth. Cheers to watering, loving and maintaining your side of the grass!


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Your Partner Cannot Read Your Mind

More than at any point in its history, we demand a lot from the institution of marriage.  As psychotherapist Esther Perel has pointed out, we ask our partner to “give us what an entire village used to provide: belonging…identity…continuity…transcendence…mystery and awe all in one.”  With those demands, it’s a wonder that any marriage survives.


As if this were not enough, we also want our partners to have the gift of mind-reading.  We say to them ‘you should have known what I needed without me having to tell you.’  Or, ‘how could you not have known that would upset me?’ These statements can result in our partner staring at us dumb-founded while we battle our own feelings of hurt and irritation.


And although women are more often accused of expecting their partners to read their minds, in my practice I frequently see men make similar demands on their girlfriends or wives.  Further, the disappointment can be compounded, due to the cultural belief that women should be ‘feelings experts,’ and should intuit what their men need.


My simple solution to the mind reading problem is this: don’t expect your partner to know what you need without you having to tell them.  Just…don’t.  You will save yourself a great deal of heartache and disappointment and confused looks from your partner by communicating honestly. I know, however, that reality is a bit more complicated. So below I discuss four key guidelines to help address the problem of mind reading.

-LEt Go of the fiction of mind-reading and


1) Directly tell your partner what you need from them. Whether it’s emotional support, sex and affection, help solving a problem, or whatever else—let your partner know what you’re looking for. Admittedly, this can be tough. We may feel uncomfortable with the vulnerability that comes with openly admitting our needs.  We may hope that our partner will read our minds so that we don’t have to expose ourselves. However, expressing your needs to your partner provides an opportunity to deepen your relationship. It is through this vulnerability that we create a secure connection to our partners and build genuine intimacy. Don’t rob yourself of the chance to strengthen your bond.

Note: hinting does not count as saying what you need.  What hinting really says is that you’re not willing to be vulnerable to this person—so you may want to ask yourself why you are struggling with being open in your relationship.


2) Telling your partner what you need is not cheating because marriage is not charades. Sometimes I have clients say that if they have to tell their partner what they need from them, then this somehow makes their partner’s responses less authentic or meaningful.  However, this sentiment discounts the fact that all mature love is a choice.  We choose to do things for our partner as an expression of our love and commitment.  We are free not to do these things, even when asked.  So if a partner is willing to try to meet our needs, we are better served by acknowledging their efforts, as opposed to becoming stuck on the fact that they did so as a result of a request from us.


3) But I already told them what I needed. If you feel that you have been directly honest (not hinted!) about what you need, and you continue to find yourself disappointed, it’s time to have a conversation with your partner. Ask them if they understand what you’re looking for, and also share why it matters to you.  If they’re having difficulty doing what you’ve asked, then see if you can reach a compromise or figure out how you can help them better support you.


4) Sometimes the answer is no. If, after all this, your partner remains unwilling or unable to meet your need, then you have to determine what it’s worth to get this particular desire met within the context of your relationship—is it vital that you receive this from your partner? Is it a need that can be fulfilled by a friend or someone else close to you? Further, is it a true need or something you can live without? Even in the best of relationships, we will not have all our needs met by our partners, so it is up to each person to decide what they can and cannot live without.


The idea that our partners will always know what we need, without prompting, is a fantasy.  It is a standard that no one can meet. But when we openly share our needs with our partners, we not only reduce disappointment and confusion, but also set the stage for a deeper connection. Let go of the fiction of mind-reading and embrace the vulnerability that fuels real intimacy and secure love.


Check out our guest posts on TheDCLadies.com      This post first appeared on the TheDCLades.com; click here to read more and subscribe.

Is one of your companions more foe rather than friendly?

Is one of your companions more foe than friend?

I along with many of my close friends have developed a better understanding of who we are and the people we include in our inner circles.


After going to college for one year, with just a little time left before I return, I have been able to reflect on my pre-college relationships and have realized the hard way that some of these relationships (friend or more) are toxic.


Friends are the type of people you can count on in regardless, during the good or bad. Being apart from some of the closest friends I have grown up has helped me learn what (or who) is important to hold on to, and what (or who) it is time to let go.



What are the signs of a “toxic friend?”


Web MD describes toxic friends as individuals “who stress you out, use you, are unreliable, are overly demanding, and don’t give anything back.”


The friends you let into your life become a contributor to all aspects of your life, but toxic friends are not worth the trouble they bring. Instead of providing a balancing force, they drag you down.


Toxic friends demean and distract you from what is really important in life. Rather than act reliable and trustworthy, toxic friends frequently betray your trust and care more about their problems than yours.


These behaviors aren’t just sometimes occurrences; they consistently occur throughout the entire duration of the relationship or friendship, regardless of how long you both have been in each other’s company.


Sometimes the best way to recognize toxicity in your friendship with someone is to talk to your friends who bring positivity into you life. Their objectivity gives them the liberty to discuss what they observe from your interactions with your toxic friend. If they say something like “you are always so relieved once you leave from hanging out with him/her” or “you’re always in a bad mood when you hang out,” that is a bright red flag.


Once you identify these signs of toxic friends in someone, how can remove their negativity and demeaning behavior from your life?


Ending a relationship with someone is not a piece of cake, regardless of how horribly that person treats you.


In this case, it is important to act in the best interest of yourself. That means having a tough conversation with your toxic companion. It’s important to keep in mind that by allowing yourself to associate with his or her negativity, you are hurting yourself just as he or she is hurting you.


-Stop watering the weeds in your life &


Ultimately, your happiness trumps any one else’s, and if someone who is supposed to care about and support you makes you feel inferior and less than happy, they are not worth keeping around in your life.


Besides, “in life, we never lose friends, we only learn who the true ones are.”


5 Science Backed Benefits of Date Night

As a couples therapist I’m big on finding simple ways to help couples keep their relationship happy and healthy.  One of the easiest ways to do that is by making time for date night.  You may have guessed that I’m an advocate of date night for every relationship… after all I did write a book about it!  But one of the questions I get all the time, is how does date night make relationships better?


I think we can all see how having fun is a good thing and I get a lot of guys out there telling me that it makes the women in the their life happy so that’s a good enough reason to do it.


But are there other reason, maybe even research –based reasons, that date night is more than a cliché offered by therapists and relationship experts?


You bet there are!

So today I want to talk about the 5 ways that date night can improve your relationship.

  1. Communication.  So often the reason that communication starts to break down in relationships is that couples stop making time to just talk.  Not the dreaded “we need to talk” kind of conversation but the every day, catching up with each other kinds of talks.  We need those simple conversations to stay connected emotionally and keep up with the important things happening in each other’s lives.  Date night creates a consistent opportunity to do just that.
  2. Novelty.  One of the most common complaints I hear from couples in various stages of relationship is that their partner has become boring!  But the truth is that more often than not it isn’t your spouse or boyfriend who got boring… it’s the way you spend time together.  Date night, when you do it right, keeps things fresh, interesting, and makes you both more engaged in your relationship.  Do something new or adventurous for date night and see what happens!
  3. Eros is the fancy, scientific word for romantic love and passion.  While we all have our own personal definition of romance, there is no doubt that regular date nights can help you keep that spark alive.  The focused attention on one another and the anticipation of a fun and flirty time together is often all anyone needs to put the sexy back in their relationship (or just keep it there!)
  4. Commitment, now if you’re just in the early phases of a relationship the topic of commitment may seem premature but date night is a good way to not only foster a sense of commitment but also get a gauge of how committed a new partner may be.  Time is a precious commodity and when we promise to give it to someone on a regular basis… like a weekly date… then we also send the message that you’re committed to helping the relationship grow.  And that’s an important message whether you have been together for 3 months of 30 years.
  5. Last but certainly not least is the power of date night to de-stress and relax you.  If you’re life is anything like mine then there’s always something on the to do list.  It’s unfortunate but most of us live very busy lives full of stress and obligations.  Date night should be an opportunity to let loose, have fun, and enjoy the person who matters most in your life.

-Date night should be an opportunity to

So there you have it.  5 research based reasons that date night can make your relationship better.  Finding time to just be together may seem simple or even obvious but as life gets busy, it’s easy to put ‘dating’ each other on the back burner.  But if you remind yourself how beneficial those few hours can be, it should be easier to keep date night a top priority.


Check out our guest posts on TheDCLadies.com  This article originally appeared on TheDCLadies.com, click here to read more and subscribe


Remember when we were best friends?


June 1, 2015 marks the third time that I lived in the same area Virginia. I often associate my recurrences to my home state to the example of coming back to your hometown for a high school reunion. Prior to my most recent move back to Virginia, I lived in Dallas, Texas and in Pretoria, South Africa. When I returned back to Northern Virginia region where I shopped at the same stores, and often had awkward run-ins with friends from middle school at Panera’s. Needless to say, a lot of aspects of my original experience remained, but there were some differences each time I moved back. Literally my surroundings physically changed with new additions to the highways and buildings, which meant new places to shop was definitely not a concern. I was more focused on how I would cope with the changes of past people in my life and how the dynamics with them would change. I know all too well that time does not stand still for us, and change is inevitable. Skype becomes emails, emails become short text messages, and text messages become silence. Although I am lucky to have some friendships where our previous dynamic stayed intact, I have experienced uncomfortable silence over “reunited” lunches and I knew our relationship wouldn’t be the same.

I’ve realized that relationships are ultimately what changed my experiences each time. It wasn’t until I stopped comparing my relationship to its state prior to moving that I began to understand that it takes identification and acceptance of change to make progress.


Relationship Make-Over

Make a decision to change the dynamics in your relationship. Realize that this will only work if the both of you agree to take this step. It is essential to recognize and identify the differences in the relationship so it can flourish in a new way. Understand that every friend is not meant to be a part of every phase of our lives, but instead they make life sweeter in the time they were present in . Having this talk with your friend allows both parties to be on the same page about the relationship going forward. Adjusting the friendship can prove to be difficult as old images of the past linger, but not to worry, you will soon find solace in the idea of exercising healthy relationship habits. Not all relationships remain the same, but learning how to work around dynamic changes is a sure sign of adaptability, vital in any relationship.


Understand that every friend is not



The Beginning of the End

Acceptance is another crucial step. If the relationship is no longer functional, the best option is to accept that the two for you are in different stages of life and can no longer relate on the same level. Tempting as it may be to force the relationship back to the “old days,” keeping friends that no longer provide you with emotional and mental stimulation does more harm than good. An article from PyschCentral even suggests that writing a good-bye letter to your friend will help ease the pain as your true feelings are expressed providing the closure needed to move on (Pysch Central).




The purpose of this post is to share a personal revelation that shares advice on how to cope with changes in a relationship whether it be relocating, having different life experiences, attending different college, and so much more. Hopefully, by making the decision to identify and accept change you will make peace in any relationship!

Single and ready to mingle

Single and ready to mingle

Being single at any time of year is definitely something we are always aware of. But, being single in the summer can definitely be seen as a reason to feel less like a person.


But, there really is no reason not to embrace being single! Going solo for an extended amount of time can be really healthy for you. Here’s why.


More time to focus on yourself


Being single allows you to stand on your own two feet. That ability will improve your independence and make you more prepared to take on life’s challenges. Focusing on yourself will help give you a better sense of who you are, which is something whose importance cannot be stressed enough by the time you do enter a relationship. You can’t expect someone to get to know you if you don’t know yourself, right?


take time to do what makes your soul

Less stress and drama


As much as we hate to admit it, being in a relationship does create opportunities for more stress and drama. Someday, we will all be ready to accept that with whomever we end up with, but right now dealing with that emotional weight may not be the best idea for us all. Being single allows you to enjoy the perks of being single, which means a lot less tension and more freedom.


More time to focus on your career (minus the guilt)


Being in a committed long-term relationship with your career becomes problematic when you do start dating someone else, but being single means that focusing on your career is a guilt-free venture.


More time to focus on what you want to do


Having a significant other can be like adding another extracurricular or hobby to the list of things for you to do. Enjoying your other passions to the fullest extent while you are still single gives you more time to enjoy those experiences independently. Then, it will all be worth it once you do get involved with a relationship, you’ll have someone to share what you love with.


More time with the people you love


Nothing beats spending quality time with your family and friends. Summertime is the most optimal time to do it! Focusing on the relationships you already have will prepare you for whenever you do decide to take the next step and start dating.


More freedom to explore


Being in a committed relationship means just that: a commitment. Being single, however, gives you the freedom to explore whomever and whenever you want. You can date casually, if you choose to. There is nothing holding you back, and no one can pressure you into something you don’t want to fully commit to.


The bottom line is, all of these perks of being single give you more time for you to figure out who you are and what you want. And what comes first, no matter what, is you and how you feel about yourself!

What are the health benefits of volunteering in your community?

What are the health benefits of volunteering in your community?

Every summer since eighth grade, I have spent one week volunteering as a camp counselor at my elementary school’s interactive science camp.


While I have done a variety of service-oriented activities throughout high school and college, these summer experiences are some of my fondest. Watching elementary schoolers expand their minds and learn creativity and teamwork in such a fun setting is inspiring.


According to a 2011 Huffington Post article, two hours is the average number of hours that volunteers in the United States contribute on a weekly basis. These two hours have obvious external benefits to the community and future generations, however a personal benefit of service is its positive impact on the mind and body.


Live longer!


Practicing altruism can increase your longevity! When you engage your community through volunteering, increased levels of the “compassion hormone,” scientifically known as oxytocin, are released.


The compassion hormone is one of many chemicals that are released in the brain when one contributes to the community. These “feel-good” chemicals like dopamine and even serotonin help soothe you and elevate your mood.


Overcome stress!


Not only does Oxytocin help you live longer, oxytocin decreases stress levels as well. Carving out time in your weekly routines to make a positive impact on your community can be stress-relieving.


Oxytocin limits the release of cortisol, or the “stress hormone.” It’s no wonder volunteering can put a smile on your face!


Improve social skills!


One of the multiple positive reasons community service is beneficial to your personal health is it improves your social skills. Most service opportunities involve meeting new people and communicating with them. The skills you practice while in a service situation can be applied to your personal relationships now and in the future.


It is important to realize that in order to reap these health benefits, the purpose behind volunteering and serving your community is still paramount. Maximizing these benefits requires a certain attitude when approaching service. Volunteering is not an activity to be taken lightly; the volunteer is not the main focus. Approaching service selfishly is ill-advised.


-Be the change you wish to see in the


Volunteerism should not be driven by self-promotion, but is an opportunity for communal and personal growth. The service-oriented activities I choose to engage in broaden my perspective by allowing me to assume the role of a teacher rather than that of a student. These experiences have enriched my life and have been very fulfilling. Make volunteerism your personal mission and a consistent element of my life.
Sounds of concentration

Sounds of concentration

When it comes to needing to focus and get work done, music has been my savior. Creating a playlist for when I need to concentrate, however, is not easy.


Studies show that music can improve your productivity and help tune out all of the background noise so you can tune into what you want to accomplish. Read more about that research here.


To create a good working playlist, here are some tips:


Choose songs that won’t distract you.


This is a fairly obvious, but easier said than done. I’m definitely the type of person who can rock out to whatever song I am listening to, which undoubtedly gets me off track. Something I have found to be really effective is choosing songs that don’t have words, like this song from the “Inception” score. That way, you can still recognize the tune without singing along and sometimes even type the lyrics to your favorite Coldplay jam even though you’re supposed to be typing a paper. (It’s actually happened before.)


Pick songs you love.


That isn’t to say that all the songs you pick should be from your least favorite genres. Choose songs from genres that you listen to in your free time, even your favorite songs. I have found that to be very effective myself. Your favorite songs and artists will motivate you and that similar sound found within the genre you like would help maintain your concentration. That is of course, keeping the first tip in mind.




Mix rhythms and tempos.


The last thing you want is to be in a constant state of boredom when working. A playlist of just the same sounds over and over will not motivate you; it will do the opposite. Mixing rhythms, tempos, and even genres can help keep your attention on your work.


Change it up once in a while.


Just like with a workout playlist, after multiple listens, it can get repetitive. Make sure to keep your playlist fresh by adding and removing songs as you see fit. Or, you can even make a new playlist every once in a while to make sure you don’t fall into the same monotonous trap.


Let a music service do it for you!


If creating your own playlist is too daunting or time-consuming, let others help. Spotify and Songza are both great music services that allow you to choose a “mood” that matches what you are feeling, and a pre-made playlist will be on queue. You can even choose specific songs to add to your personal library and make your own playlist from there. Pandora is also a good service that has channels based on your taste in music genre or artist.


A lot of the work in creating a playlist comes down to trial and error. Test out songs in a real situation and don’t be afraid to try something unconventional. Happy listening!


Confessions of a Type A personality: what to expect when you encounter one

The first time I recognized that I had a Type A personality was when I read a Huffington Post article called “16 Signs You’re A Little (Or A Lot) Type A” and realized that fifteen of the sixteen signs they mentioned applied to me. Luckily, I outgrew biting my nails before I entered adulthood.


Type A individuals are often misunderstood. The mind of a Type A person works in mysterious way, and communicating with these forward-thinking, nail-biting, and fast-talking people can be challenging.


Here’s a list of traits that I and many other Type As exhibit (both the good and the bad):


Lists are your life (irony intended)


It wouldn’t be an article authored by a Type A without the inclusion of a list.


List making is one of my favorite ways of organizing all of the information that travels into my brain. Part of it stems from a fear of forgetting to do something, but most of the list making comes from a craving for fulfillment. The fulfillment of crossing off an item on a to-do list is just as satisfying for me as a piece of chocolate cake.


Type As like having a sense of accomplishment, no matter how long it lasts, which is likely to be fairly short-term, because there is always a next step or goal a Type A person wants to strive for.


The word “nothing” doesn’t exist


Every time my mom talks to me, somewhere in the conversation she asks “what are you thinking?” or “what are you doing?” I am always doing something, or have that “itch” to do something. There are feelings of guilt if I ever start feeling lazy or bored. My mind scrambles to think of something productive to do, because I’d rather be doing something than nothing.


While this means procrastination is a rarity, you can imagine how tough it can be to quiet my mind when I’m trying to sleep. This is why you should never ask a Type A individual to “relax.” Never. It’s another word on the banned list. (I said we have a list for everything, didn’t I?)


There’s always a chance the world is ending


One of the warning signs that caught my attention in the Huffington Post article was “you’re a catastrophist.” Something can get set off in my brain and my life can become one of those apocalyptic disaster movies.


I am mentally wired to strive for and accept nothing less than what I consider to be “perfection.” If something falls short of what I wanted or hoped for, disaster can strike.


They like to get to where they’re going


Type A individuals are quick on their heads, feet, and emotions. My friends always comment on my fast walking, and while this is plus for competing on The Amazing Race, taking a nice leisurely stroll is not my style.


Type As have laser focus, and it can be hard to take a step back and appreciate the view. Type As don’t enjoy the journey to the destination; they hurry up and reach the destination and then start contemplating their next journey.


Type As do get a bad rap. But, they do have the ambition, the determination, and the drive to get to where they want to go.


So, when dealing with these somewhat difficult individuals, what should you do?


It’s simple. Don’t push, but gently remind them that everything is going to be all right. Our habits may be unbreakable, but taking a break is necessary. Just don’t suggest that they “relax” or “do nothing” for a change. Suggest that they do an activity that doesn’t fall on their urgent to-do list. Everyone, even Type As, needs to straighten out what is most important to them at some point!


-Don't push, but gently remind them that



Read more about Type As here and here.

Can you name your top strengths?

Can you name your top strengths?

We often spend a lot of time on criticizing parts of ourselves that we wish to change, alter, or correct. Our concept of self-esteem can only be established after serious self-reflection. Our shortcomings can be presented in the form of physical weakness, appearance, or lack of knowledge or skill.


I certainly am guilty of this in high school. I would constantly scrutinize myself and focus on what I thought was wrong with me rather than the positive qualities that I felt I possessed. My self-esteem definitely suffered because of this. And my self-confidence, in effect, suffered as well. I was unable to enjoy what I really enjoyed doing because my thoughts were consumed by thoughts of what was not right.


But our constant obsession over our flaws is not only unhealthy, but also unproductive, according to Tom Rath in his book StrengthsFinder 2.0.


Rath collaborated with Gallup to create the StrengthsQuest test, a 30-minute online assessment where you have to go with your first instinct by choosing between two choices for each question.


At the end of the test, your top five strengths are revealed, with the philosophy that we should focus on exercising and developing our strengths rather than focus on our weaknesses and areas we wish we could improve. The strengths that the StrengthsQuest test highlights are not only applicable in your career, but in your personal life, particularly in relationship building and maintenance.


When I started college, one of the first things I did as a Hokie was take the StrengthsQuest test, and I have come to understand firsthand the logic behind the argument.


My top five strengths, and their descriptions according to StrengthsFinder 2.0, are:


Learner: “You love to learn. The outcome of the learning is less significant than the ‘getting there.’”


Discipline: “You set up routines. You focus on timelines and deadlines. You break long- term projects into a series of specific short-term plans, and you work through each plan diligently.”


Achiever: “You have an internal fire burning inside you. It pushes you to do more, to achieve more.”


Developer: “You see the potential in others. When you interact with others, your goal is to help them experience success. You look for ways to challenge them.”


Harmony: “You look for areas of agreement. In your view there is little to be gained from conflict and friction, so you seek to hold them to a minimum.”


In my own life, I have tried to incorporate my top five strengths more prominently into my daily life. By doing so, I found that I am more confident in my own abilities and less insecure about parts of myself that I’d like to improve. Rath also reports that people who do focus on strengths training are three times more likely to report having an excellent quality of life.


Utilizing these strengths to their fullest potential, Rath argues, will also positively affect your job satisfaction and performance. According to his research, “people who do have the opportunity to focus on their strengths are six times as likely to be engaged in their jobs.”

-You are braver than you believe,


So, while you cannot take the test unless you have an access code through your company, take some time to make a list of qualities you see in your self that you are proud of, not ones that you wish to fix. Then, think of ways to incorporate what you see as strengths into your life more consistently. Rath boils it down to one simple equation: talent x investment of time = strength.

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